Hello

I recently got divorced.

After that, things got weird.

She kept the Switch 2 as part of the divorce settlement. I ended up with the box it came in.

We agreed on no contact.

But then she texted: “Hello.”

Cue me, 1:37 AM, scrolling through old texts while eating cold pizza alone.

This R&B track is for all the hopeless romantics... and also for people who never married and made the whole thing up for dramatic effect. Like me.

Anyway, now that you're here, I want to share my parenting philosophy.

I plan to raise two sons:

James, he is the legitimate son, born of my official wife. He will be trained in noble martial arts, disciplines that preserve life, teach restraint, and embody justice.

Ryan, he is the secret son, born from my mistress. He will be trained in forbidden techniques. Shadowy, destructive, ruthless. No rules. No mercy.

At age 20, they will fight.

Winner becomes my true heir.

James uses life-preserving techniques.

Ryan uses kill moves.

I sit on the sidelines sipping tea, emotionally torn but also extremely invested.

This isn’t a metaphor.

It’s a plan.

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